On Being Burned Out, Frustrated, and Grateful...An Open Discussion About My Career

While I'm possibly talking to myself with this post as my blog seems to have lost followers in my absence, I thought I'd put it out there regardless. Because a writer's gotta write, right? And I consider it a form of therapy to openly talk to my fans about where I'm at in my career.

Contrary to popular belief or the darkest thoughts of my psyche, I have not quit writing. After several months of putting my craft to work in other avenues in which I usually worked seven days a week and sometimes up to 12 hours a day, I took the months of September and October "off" to help my husband farm. Turns out it was a much needed mental break from writing.  I didn't realize I was completely burned out until I stepped away from it all.

Although some people may think writing is easy and a non-stop fun-fest, it can take a toll on a person - especially when self-employed with ridiculously long days because you're not reporting to an 8-5 job and can type away in the comfort of you home until you're unable to keep your eyes open. And then there's the marketing aspect of being an indie author. Don't even get me started on the business side of my dream career, because I'm clearly not cut out for that kind of thing. I'm unorganized and unfocused, unable to stick to a plan. And the experts say as a writer you have to have a presence on social media. Although it has become an important tool for reaching fans, it's also a place where you learn about the success of others and begin to question yourself and your work.

*Cue depression*

I've been open about dealing with depression in the past and I'm not about to shy away from it now. Around the time I was preparing to help with harvest, I was in a tunnel so long and so dark that it seemed I would never find my way back out. I quit the business side of social media, even unfollowing my dearest of writer friends because it was too painful to see others flourishing when I was floundering. Thankfully I've never been suicidal, but there was a time when everything seemed pretty bleak and I would cry at the drop of a hat. Like many so people battling inner demons, I was able to smile and put on a brave face while trudging through the murkiest of waters. Not many people in my life knew about my struggle.

For the first time in five years, I didn't participate in NaNoWriMo (an annual (November) novel writing project that brings together professional and amateur writers from all over the world). Instead I used this "time off" to evaluate my career. I say "time off" as I was sometimes spending 10 hours per day in the tractor and that can be way more exhausting than one would think. Now that I was able to take a step back and put things into perspective, I'm so incredibly grateful.

I'm sure everything I said above sounds incredibly whiny, especially coming from someone who works from home and doesn't have to meet the demands of a surly boss or punch a clock. Though it's dangerous when you're able to set your own hours in a job you love because there's no one to tell you it's time for a break, it's also incredibly convenient. I'm amazed my friends with jobs can keep up with their teenager's activities and I can't fathom how working farm wives can meet the demands of their husbands. Being married to someone who also sets their own hours gives us the kind of freedom together that most people dream about (aside from the grueling demands of planting and harvest seasons, of course). My days of spending weeks building up the courage to ask for accrued time off are long gone. And I can virtually write from anywhere so long as I have access to power, it's quiet, and there aren't people moving around me (demanding, I know, but I have crazy ADD). In reality, it's the ideal job.

Having gone from a well-paying job to being self-employed almost four years ago was at first a serious blow to my ego. I don't have the kind of salary that a person could live off, but I am making some money. The fact that I have actual fans who buy my books and want to read more really says something. I've wanted to be a writer since I was eight years old. I'm not only proud of myself for making my dream a reality, but incredibly thankful beyond words for those who have an interest in my work. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

It has never been my goal to become famous. I know I won't ever be on the same playing field with the likes of Stephen King or J. K. Rowling as I'm lightyears away from their level of prose. Honestly, I wouldn't want that kind of public recognition anyway. I'm uncomfortable the way it is when a stranger asks me in public about my next book and therefore know I would totally suck if put in a spotlight of any significance. I simply want people to get excited about my books because the endless stories going through my head won't stay silent. I want fans to fall in love with my heroes and get lost in the worlds I create. And hopefully one day my ultimate dream of having a book made into a movie will be realized. *fingers crossed*

Last night I had a breakthrough and, for the first time in months, wrote for several hours straight. So here I am, back in the saddle of sorts, ready to focus on writing and decide what project I want to do next. Hopefully in 2016 I'll be releasing the long awaited sequel to Shymers and the next two books in the Paranormal Keepers series as well as a few other projects, but I still have to work it all out and decide my next moves. Because that's what you have to do as an indie author - make all the decisions on your own. It's stressful as all hell, but I'm still thrilled that I have the opportunity to spend my life doing what I love. If you've reading this and you've read even one of my books, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. It's people like you who have helped to make my life complete!

My Wish for 2013

For me, 2012 was a stellar year both professionally and personally. I escaped the confines of the 8-5 working grind and made my lifelong dream a reality by publishing three books. My family members remained relatively healthy, I welcomed another step son-in-law into our growing family and discovered my oldest step-daughter and her husband will be expecting their third child. I got to explore the Virgin Islands with some of my favorite people, visited my best friend for a week in Texas and my sister-in-law in Florida. I even got to see Coldplay in concert and attend my first zombie walk.

The bar for my 2013 has been set pretty high. A lot of people wish for a slimmer body, more money or even fame. While any and all of those would be really nice, all I wish for in the new year is happiness. Sometimes it's the smaller things that bring me joy, such as concerts (so far I'm set to see Rihanna and Taylor Swift) new movies (The Mortal Instruments and World War Z look amazing) or even a successful sequel to my books (Shymers and The Day Zombies Ruined My Perfectly Boring Life are up next). Other times it's in the news that one of my family members remains cancer-free or holding that future step-grandbaby for the first time. And I'm not going to lie - I'll be totally elated when when sitting on the beach in Cabo with a drink in hand.

But there are people who had a terrible year, and for some of them, 2013 won't look much brighter. Some are busting their butts to keep food on the table or fighting against their diseased body to stay alive. Those families mourning children murdered in the senseless school shooting are going to have probably the longest years of their lives. Two families in my community were recently given the devastating news that their sons have a form of cancer. Happiness will not come so readily for these people. It's up to the rest of us to do what we can to try to do something to make them smile. I strive to leave an impressionable mark on this lifetime, as should we all. Remember when your life is at its highest, there are others who may be at their lowest.

Tonight as you raise your glass to toast your friends and loved ones, remember that tomorrow is a new year and with that new year comes new beginnings and fresh opportunities at happiness. Whatever form happiness may come in, I will welcome it with open arms. And I wish it on each and every last one of you, whatever that may be.

Game on, Mayans

For the past few days, Twitter and Facebook have been buzzing with jokes about the apocalypse and people saying they aren't going to pay their bills, show up to work, etc. I'm not going to lie. A small part of me is totally freaked out by all this end of the world talk. It doesn't help that the History Channel is constantly pumping out shows explaining why the Mayans are right. And you can bet that somewhere the geeks who work for that channel are having a major end of the world bash (my invite must have been lost in the mail).

R.E.M. says it best - click here to listen

So what am I doing today, knowing the end may almost be near? Cleaning my house. Not because I'm worried about dying in the middle of a dirty mess (people who know me will die laughing at that thought), but because we are starting our Christmas celebrations tonight with our oldest children and their families. I laughed when our plans first came to be, realizing that we were all gathering the night the world is supposed to end. But the liquor cabinet is full, a ton of snacks are planned and my husband even bought some extra ammo "just in case." If this is truly our last night together on this earth, we're set. I'll go out with those I love and have a full belly.

All kidding aside, the possibility of impending doom has made me reflect on my life. I've decided that R.E.M. accurately sums it up for me. If it really is the end of the world, I feel fine. I'm healthy, happy, surrounded by love and have a slew of friends and family who I adore. I've made mistakes, taken chances and pursued things that make my life fulfilled. I've lived life to the fullest, loving, laughing and experienced just about everything that makes our time on this earth worthwhile. So if this truly is the end, I'm okay with it. There probably isn't anything we could do about it anyway, so why not go out with a smile?

Maybe tomorrow when we wake, we'll be able to laugh at the Mayans and feel a renewed sense of purpose (so long as we're not surrounded by zombies). I think we have about a 99.99% chance of seeing another normal day. If I'm wrong, then cheers to all of humanity. It's been a great ride.

Faking Happiness

I've always tried to be a positive person. Sometimes it's extremely difficult with bills to pay, so many different people to please, never ending housework and a stressful job. Most of the time when I seem all happy and upbeat, however, I'm actually faking it.

For five years I worked in a county courthouse where people came to me when they needed to file for divorce, had issues with child support, or had their children taken away for poor choices in parenting. I'm not even sure why I took the job in the first place - just the description of it makes me want a Xanax. Regardless, I tried to be friendly to people I waited on. But many of them were so angry and bitter that my attitude didn't phase them. Being the normally upbeat person I am, that work environment nearly killed me. Not only was my spirit crushed, but the word "hate" came from my lips nearly every hour. Then it hit me - if I stayed there I was going to be one of those gray-haired old ladies who snaps at everyone and never smiles. I was becoming one of those people who is crabby because they hate their job.

Fortunately, my loving husband allowed me to take a chance and leave that environment to pursue the things that I've always dreamed of (writing) and that make me happy (photography). I'd love to tell you that everything became all unicorns and rainbows after that. But it didn't. I quickly discovered that there is a lot of work that goes into my dream profession. Now my spirit is becoming crushed with stress. Yet I try like hell to remain upbeat.

And it's a lot of work.

I used to work with a friend who would come into the office every single morning with a giant smile and say in the cheeriest of voices, "Good morning, friends!" The rest of us would usually grunt something back in return with not nearly the same level of zest. After a time, I asked him why he was always so damn happy. He confessed that most of the time, he was faking it. He knew that we were all in poor moods and that his spirit would be infectious.

Shortly after that, I helped my daughter with a science fair project in which she wanted to test whether smiling is contagious. The theory was executed in three different airports and on beaches while on vacation. For the most part, it worked. If someone wasn't smiling and they saw my daughter beaming up at them, the light in their eyes would usually transform and they would smile back. The ones who didn't smile back were clearly the sterotypical "grumpy type" - business men in a hurry, people with a permanent scowl on their face, mothers dragging along screaming toddlers.

From that point on, I vowed to remain positive and upbeat, hoping to infect others with my attitude. I stopped hanging around people who are total Debby Downers and never happy (despite my best efforts). I almost never complain to my friends on Facebook. I surround myself with happy music all day long (which can completely transform one's day). If I come across anyone who seems down or is having a tough day, I make a point to reach out to them. I am overly friendly to people who wait on me at gas stations and restaurants. Even if I am having the worst day and feel like crawling back to bed, I go out of my way to be nice.

Just as with the smiling experiment, however, my upbeat attitude doesn't work on everyone. There are people who are so unhappy in their life that they simply cannot see past their own gloom.

But at least I can take comfort in knowing I tried to make a difference. Even if I'm totally faking it.